American Idol Recap: City of Angels Possessed?

Idol Worshippers, I’ve been trying to <bleeping> figure out how to begin tonight’s recap. Then I find myself plagued by the image of Pants on the Ground 2.0, Mr. James Brown impersonator who could very well be psychiatrically ill, and the <bleeping> chick would found it necessary to talk to her microphone in the elevator. More importantly, why bring a microphone that doesn’t connect to the non-existent sound system in the audition room to an audition where cameras and microphones are present in every <bleeping> corner? Then I realized, American Idol only furthered my anger by presenting me with the Million Artists-es man and I didn’t even want to waste my time (or yours) recapping such a cluster duck (ask Tyler what rhymes with duck) of a night. On a night full of divine intervention, J. Lo’s <bleeping> balls, and filler time spent more on the judges panel exiting their limos (do they really go to work in limos every day?) than on golden tickets auditions bound for Hollywood down the street.

Speaking of wasting my screen time with the judges. What was up with the <bleeping> food montage? Was Idol obligated to meet their quote of strangers on TV tonight or was the taping of LA auditions part of “show your cast and crew on camera day” but show them being goofs instead of working hard like they usually do? Also, with all the hype of the MySpace auditions, not only did we see less than a handful, but one of them was the chick who belongs with Snookie and The Situation on the <bleeping> shore, preferably building a sand castle away from any ounce of society in America. Speaking of America and Idols, wait we weren’t talking about Idols. Don’t think the show had any tonight. Well, anyways, speaking of…can someone enlighten me on the book o’ censorship American Idol producers use? Did Uncle Nigel write this in a foreign language? You mean to tell me Jennifer Lopez cannot use the word “balls” but the word “douchebag” can go uncensored? Is it obvious yet that I’m trying to work in some filler (I took good notes from Idol producers) before we touch the golden ticket winners? And no, not touch in the way Steven Tyler wanted to jump all over the belly dancer. Unfortunately, we didn’t get enough of those winners, so I gotta hold some space here. Don’t want the Yak to fire me for negligent work or something. Speaking of the golden ticket holders, you know all FIVE of them, let’s just get to it.

Tim Halperin – Seriously, thank the Texan armadillos for this man. Not only was he a very short breath of fresh air in tonight’s episode, but he asked what all men were wondering…just how old is Ms. Lopez really? Serenading the Latina beauty with his rendition of a Maroon 5 hit, we got another case of the judge’s oh so subtly (/sarcasm) reference to the back story Idol HAPPENED to produce a short package on. In this case, this man’s love for J. Lo while growing up. And yep, he really is only 23. Wonder how that really made Jennifer feel.

Karen Rodriguez – Our only decent MySpace auditioner of the night. With a soothing voice like that, I’d say she has a chance at becoming the first Latina American Idol. She’ll need to work on her runs and not make them sound like she’s trying to hit each note under the sun in the same syllable, but she’s definitely off to a good start. Word of caution: Move from the Whitney songs for a minute and tackle something your level…at least for now.

Just to interrupt for one minute, I’m not even going to cover Snookie #2 who chased Randy around the room with a microphone. So, if you were counting on that, sorry.

Heidi Khazam – We all know the reason we saw this audition was because of her dancing skills. Sure, Heidi can definitely belt out a tune, a pretty solid rendition of Alicia Keys’s “Superwoman.” But at times, it seems like Idol was turning into So You Think You Can Dance. If only, we’d then get Cat Deeley instead of Ryan and the world will only become a better place that way. But then we’d have to ride the hot tamale train with Big Stats. Hmm, maybe not a good idea. Does Heidi have a chance at the title, I suppose – she did get a golden card after all, but since she’s not 15, the cards might be stacked against her this time. I swear, Nigel told me.

Matt “Big Stats” Frankel – Ok, so he didn’t get a golden piece of paper, we’re not surprised about that. I just wanted to comment on 2 things. 1) why was he wearing yellow socks. And B) Lubrication? I honestly am just frustrated at Idol producers and their mockery of tonight’s audition show that I don’t even wanna touch this one. And I’m not going to.

Mark Gutierrez & Aaron Guiterrez – Their perfectly on pitch rendition of “Lean on Me” was SOLID, probably the most solid audition of the night, after Tim. Then again, these 2 brothers were nearly half of the golden tickets handed out tonight, so that may or may not be saying much. However, while I feel that their perfect, familial harmony is a force to be reckoned with, this is a solo singing competition. Will either one of them be able to stand alone? If I’m a betting man, I’d say Mark has a better shot. Then again, auditioning together does have its consequences. I don’t even remember which was which. Chances are the judge’s won’t come Hollywood, either.

And just because I’m in a mood tonight, we’re ending it here. I’m not even going to travel to the plantation lands of Arkansas and entertain the fact that Idol spend EIGHT minutes of airtime, the final eight minutes if you will, on yet another gimmick tonight. Plus, we’re almost sure you’ll see him and others from tonight on Finale night – and not because they’ll be competing for the title, but because Idol will need some filler at some point. If the most valuable lesson we learned tonight was how to not get bitten by a snake, thanks to Steven’s keen sense of observancy on our 59 year old Arkansasian friend, then I think we can deem tonight nearly as much of an epic fail as last Thursday’s Nashville auditions. And yes, I just made up 2 words in the last sentence.

Idolaters, were you as disappointed last night as me? Am I experiencing too much PMS and letting it shine through my writing? What’d you think of  the LA auditions? Which of the few success stories are you looking forward to see again? Let us know below and in our FORUMS. We’ll see ya next week in San Francisco and FINALLY the Hollywood round!