American Idol Recap: Hollywood Group (Grape?) Round

Goooooood Morning Idol Worshippers. First of all, I know you all stopped life and didn’t know how to go about your daily routine due to my absence last week. I’m also sure you cried uncontrollably when you found out my Idol recaps last week were non-existent. Would you all believe it if I just said they were lost in Al Gore’s interweb space? Ya, I didn’t think so. Oh well, it was worth a shot. Well, fear not my devoted follower(s?), I’m back for another round of ear-popping music, brought to you by Coca Cola, The Young & The Restless, and Jersey Shore. Damn, I mean, American Idol. Ya, that’s the show I thought I was watching tonight…or was supposed to be, at least. More on that gripe later. After Days 1 and 2 in Hollywood last week (where you read my imaginary recap), 168 survive cuts and make it to the “Idol’s-gonna-make-it-scarier-than-it-is” group round. With one night to pick a song out of 20, rehearse, choreograph, and perform, the pressure’s on baby! Ya screw up, yo’ gone. And in one of the weirdest twists ever, your group must contain contestants from both initial Hollywood days. Of course, Idol couldn’t just pick names out of a hat. If they did that, they’d have to fill the first 40 minutes of the episode with more music and less drama. And we can’t have that on a SINGING competition show. Heaven forbid.

While I’m on that topic, I really am having a problem with the Hollywood round. Not only did they focus on contestants we saw from the city auditions in last week’s solo rounds, we were not introduced to ANY new names. On top of that, Idol decided showing back stories (aka sob stories) wasn’t enough the first time during city auditions, but they had to show a few of them again during Hollywood in case you forgot about Chris Medina’s fiance. Throw all of that on top of the fact that it took FORTY – read that again, FORTY – minutes to get our first belted note with attempted harmony sung on the stage tonight. I have a problem with that when I’m watching a MUSIC competition. Rather, we had to put up with Snooki being rejected by every group in the room because of fear of catching her STDs. Was that too far? We also had to see Scotty McCreary (who I just wanted to like) sing Josh Turner’s tune YET AGAIN to prove to groups he’s good enough to join theirs. Then, the asshole of the season award goes to Jordan Dorsey. Not settling for anyone auditioning to join his ever-so-amazing group, he ended up ditching his group anyways because he was just too good for their nonsense. Midway through the first hour, I just grew frustrated with Ryan naming contestant after contestant, as if we’re really keeping score at this point. The clutter in the theatre and on my TV made me almost want to switch over to see what Oprah’s OWN was airing.

And then, CBS must have taken over Fox airwaves, as we got the latest Young and the Restless episode with the Chelsee, Rob, Jacqueline and Nick drama. I think we were this close to getting a raunchy foursome on our TVs. During a family hour, nonetheless. And what would an Idol group round be without one hysterical contestant threatening to quit. In case you missed it, Ashley was the only one there to have sacrificed something to be there. She was the only one there going through the stresses of already auditioning in front of the judges. She was also the only one there who was being followed by cameras. I mean, really, how could they expect her to live up to the pressure!? How cruel of Nigel Lythgoe and company. Of course, she didn’t quit … because well, Idol needs someone hysterical to keep around. And then…we had the part of the night that was bound to tug at your heart strings; if it didn’t, you are not human. Clint Gamboa was questioning the chemistry in his group of 5 and opted to kick Jaycee out. Taking it like a trooper, Jaycee turned to his parents for support and that they did! I just wanted to reach over and give the kid a hug! Now, that said, the industry is dog eat dog (or doggie dog if you’re Sophia Vergara), and this kid better expect more of this should he make it farther in his career. Have no fear, Brett Loewenstern is here to save the day, bringing Jaycee into their group o’ voices.

And after 40 minutes of filler and people changing their channels over to Survivor, we finally got some singing! Powerhouses like Pia Toscano, Alessandra Guercio, Brielle von Hugel, Jordan Dorsey, and Robbie Rosen were quick shoe-ins from the get go, wowing the judges one note after the other. Jordan’s decision to play diva and piss off 99% of America paid off…for now. And enter the next gimmick of the night. Remember Snooki-like chick who showed up with stars on her knockers? Ya, she’s made it this far and we already lost the likes of Sarah Sellers. Color me confused there. Anyways, after no one took her under their wing, she convinced some clueless chick (who will forever regret her decision) to abandon her group and join forces. After another unsuccessful attempt at finding more group members, producers (for drama alone, I’m sure) permitted a duet performance. Sitting on the ground channeling their inner Beyonce, Tiffany couldn’t realize why her horrid tonality, poor music choice, and all around crappy attitude got her cut from the competition. Apparently, she found it feasible to ask the judge’s for another day. Mind you, her and Jessica stopped rehearsing early into the night because they felt so ready.

Cue your typical contestant who slept in too late and nearly missed his audition. Cue contestant with an abnormal body anomaly to show on TV. This time, putting a noodle through one nostril and bringing it out through the other. Cue group luring Steven Tyler to the stage to seduce him and persuade him for votes. Cue the unfortunate loss of one of the early favorites, Paris Tassin, breaking J Lo’s heart. Cue stage moms who think their children are the next best thing since Jennifer Hudson’s weight loss program. Are you feeling the drama Idol was just dying to put forth tonight? Cuz I’m not. Also, let’s add “Somebody to Love” to the list of songs that shouldn’t be allowed on the show. Not only did groups kill Queen, but the song was slowed down 5x, making it, as J Lo said, a bad Glee audition. Lea Michele wouldn’t be so proud.

More names to possibly remember for the future: Keonna Evans, Jalen Harris, Sarina-Joi Crane, Felix Ramsey, Deandre Brackenstack, Julie Zorrilla, Casey Abrams. Also, Chris Medina. We all know you were concerned how things were going with him and his fiance. Well, we didn’t get an update there (don’t worry, we will get weekly updates if he makes it to the live shows), but he’s also going further…as if you doubted that.

You can count on names from the last three groups of the night making it far. Many of them we’ve seen already, many of them seem to be producer faves because they make such great stories. The group that adopted Jaycee wasn’t regretting their decision, as they all made it through (Denise Jackson, Stevie Cain, Natalie Hanson, Brett Loewenstern, Jacee Badeaux) after belting out Mercy. The curse of forgetting the lyrics didn’t bite Jaycee in the behind. Then again, how could the judge’s turn him away after being turned away less than 24 hours ago?! Minus horrible treatment towards fellow human beings, Scotty McCreary, Monique De Los Santos, Frances Coontz, and Clint Jun Gamboa are lucky their voices were superb enough to propel them forward. And just in case you didn’t get your soap fix today, Idol was prepared to give you an unforgettable ending to the Chelsee, Rob, Jacqueline saga. In case you missed it, Nick “died” in the last episode, so this threesome was off to fend with one less member of their newly formed motley crue. Refusing to get over his fear of being a male who dances (gasp!), Rob Bolin also couldn’t seem to remember a few lines from one of the most widely played songs on the radio today, “F*ck You” (aka Forget You).

My dear loving fan(s) of mine, tomorrow we go solo. The final 100 contestants compete, only 50 survive. Here’s to hoping tomorrow is full of less filler drama and more music. Join us in our FORUMS for our live blog and be sure to let me know how much you missed me last week. I need a little more ego boosting.