The Idol powers that be must have known it was impossible to compete with Royal Wedding hoopla reaching its frenzied crescendo. What else could explain the scheduling of Crystal Bowersox and her tired song about singing a song when you want to sing it, along with Bruno Mars and his just plain stupid song about feeling lazy? Your regular correspondent must have predicted this lack of enthusiasm himself, with the result that he’s once again abandoned his post. Alas, we’ll soldier on like the good knights of future King William and Queen Catherine’s round table.
Not that no effort was made. Indeed, the show did try tapping into monarchical fever by sending the potential heirs to Lee DeWyze’s throne to the British Consulate, where the terrible, fake British accents flowed as freely as the warm beer. Were Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow brought in as party mentors? Back on American soil, we received a quick, surprising result, with Haley – dressed rather like a gypsy accountant – was called up and sent to safety. She even sassed Jimmy Iovine – albeit, a videotaped Jimmy Iovine – when he suggested she didn’t know who she was yet.
Given her lackluster elaboration, though – if you have to ask the audience if you have soul, Haley, you probably don’t – we could have used some additional sass from Jacob. He had reason, with Jimmy asking if he got lost on the “Dancing With the Stars” set before suggesting his resulting outfit was reason to be sent home. Especially since the frequently fashion-challenged Lauren – on the back of a definite off-night – was criticized only for not believing how good she actually is. Maybe she – unlike the mentors or judges – actually heard herself on Tuesday and didn’t buy the idea that endearing imperfection and just plain not hitting any of the right notes are different phenomena.
If Jimmy was wrong about Lauren – and wrong/moderately homophobic about Jacob – he was spot-on in his critique of Casey. The “growling” – or, more accurately, the unhinged grunting of an obscene prank caller – went to a whole new level of obnoxious on Tuesday. “The family dog doesn’t vote” was one of the best criticisms delivered by any Power That Be this season. The continuing praise/voting for Casey post-“Smells Like Team Spirit” was loopier than Paula Abdul after rifling through Courtney Love’s medicine cabinet. Thankfully, the American people finally made like Henry VIII and sent Casey to the Tower, where he’ll be safely locked away until it’s time to bring his special brand of creepy to a town near you this summer.
And with that, we wrap up this wrap-up so we can get to bed in time to rise for the wedding of the century. Until Brad and Angelina take the plunge, anyway. Before hitting the hay, share your thoughts on tonight’s show. Were you more surprised that Haley was safe or that Scotty wasn’t? Will you really miss Casey? Will Kate Middleton wear Alexander McQueen? Are honey badgers just kind of mean and stupid?