Greetings, Idol minions! No, this is not your usual correspondent, as you were forewarned. Fear not, however, as this switcheroo is but temporary. I promise it won’t be at all like season eight of “Roseanne,” wherein Lecy Goranson and replacement “Becky” Sarah Chalke switched off every other week for no apparent reason. But, I digress, and usher you now to the main event…
Let’s start, like a good von Trapp, at the very beginning. We’re all in agreement that the group numbers are almost always awful, right? Good. At least everyone looked spiffy (killer piping on Paul’s suit) during “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” (For Me to Not Climb in an Effort to Escape Listening to This)? I know, I borrowed an Abdulism, but what else can I say?
Oh, I can say how awesome it was that Stevie Wonder dropped in for a surprise appearance! When the seizure-inducing backdrop started to open, I half expected Diana Ross to come out swinging a sequined ax, but to our contestants’ relief, it was merely fellow Detroit royalty, there to reduce them to background vocals on “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” and a trippy version of “Happy Birthday” dedicated to Steven Tyler.
From there, the audience was subjected to an atypically short Ford commercial that, much like a VHS you might have seen were you an elementary schooler in the early 90s, illustrated the delights of recycling. Next, Pia, Lauren and Scotty were called up and quickly sent to safety (special kudos, Lauren, on finally not looking like the sweet girl trying to sing her way out of her job at a small-town Chick-Fil-A). Then, Sugarland delivered a not entirely awful rendition of “Stuck Like Glue,” a song that usually makes me wish glue were stuck in my ears. It didn’t hurt that Jennifer Nettles was dressed like a New Wave Easter basket and I love both New Wave and Easter.
This being an Idol results show, we knew filler was just around the corner. Tonight, we discovered that James and Paul are, apparently, huge fans of professional wrestling. Thus, the audience got to enjoy a painfully long segment of James hitting his fellow contestants with cookie sheets in the living room of their shared, perhaps haunted, mansion. Back live, James and Paul were called up and, naturally, declared safe by surprise guest Hulk Hogan. No, I didn’t make that up. Yes, I wish I had.
Regardless, while Jacob was also quickly declared safe, presumable non-Hulkamaniacs Thia and Stefano found themselves, predictably, in the bottom three. Less predictably, considering he was placed with two-time bottom dweller Haley and the quirky (in an awesome Denise Huxtable way) Naima, is that Casey completed the trio of least-appreciated Idols.
Long story short, Thia was the first to be sent back to the couches (and, eventually, the Idol tour bus). Stefano followed suit, meaning that Casey was forced to “sing for his life.” Thankfully, he chose “I Don’t Need No Doctor” over, say, “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” but it seemed to matter little. A few lines in, the judges asked that he stop so they could more immediately right America’s perceived wrong and send Casey to safety. Casey seemed both appreciative and shocked by the decision. Or, he experimented with angel dust sometime between the end of his truncated performance and making his way to thank the judges, where he shook, sweat and swore as though he were stuck in a ring with the Hulk. Or, in a living room with James and a baking implement.
And that, minions, is all this impostor has to share with you tonight. Please tune in next week, where your regularly scheduled correspondent will spare you references to 1960s musicals and 1980s situation comedies. In the meantime, feel free to discuss amongst yourselves. Some topics: Did Casey deserve to be saved? Which contestant will fall victim to James’s cartoon rage? Did Stefano just get misdirected to the Idol auditions while attempting to try out for the Zoolander sequel? Inquiring minds want to know…