American Idol Recap: Music City Lost a Beat

Idol worshipers, next stop: Music City! How much hope did you have leading up to tonight’s show? I mean, it’s Music City after all. How bad could it get, right? Well, think again. Fox & Idol producers have the last laugh now. You really should have known how the night’s auditions would turn out when we started with Mr. Man screeching his high note for a bajillion seconds, scaring every cat in the neighborhood. That, unfortunately, set the tone for tonight’s auditions. 17,000 showed up on the streets of Nashville and that’s all they could show me tonight? The auditions even took place in the history Ryman Auditorium, home to the Grand Ole Opry for goodness sake. I mean, the likes of Carrie Underwood have graced that stage. (Speaking of, check out our shining spotlight on the beautiful star, right here!)

Now, maybe I shouldn’t be complaining that more than 70% of tonight’s hour broadcast was dedicated to the misfits, delusional, and high strung acts that they chose to subject us to tonight. After all, they’ve been nice by giving us mostly good auditions in Jersey, the Big Easy and Milwaukee. I guess Nashville was just too much to ask? But it’s Naaaaaaaaashville! Ok, I’ll stop whining, I promise, but I know you guys are thinking the same thing. Don’t lie! Oh ya, one more thing. Why do hopefuls after hopeful insist on singing a better song after they’ve been rejected? If there is a better song, what was the reason you didn’t sing it right away? That’s right – because it would have sucked anyways. Wow, I’m sounding a bit harsh today, aren’t I? Maybe I should step back a minute before I go on. Nah, we’ll try and make this recap more interesting this way.

So, of course. Why not start the night with happy dental assistant lady. After all, she gave us Randy’s new word to replace Dawg. I guess we have something to be thankful for. But, in the words of our dawg, really? This was what the producers put through to the judges? It couldn’t have been the next LeeDewyze, Carrie Underwood, or even Clay Aiken. Had to be her? Was it just me or did she sound like a neighing donkey whilst performing?

The first legitimate audition of the night goes to the “couple” with more drama than the tweens on Skins. Well, OK, maybe not that bad, but they could definitely have their own reality show on Bravo or something. Rob Bolin and Chelsee Oaks are no longer an item but, according to Chelsee, still love each other and are good friends. They continued to live together after breaking up – mistake #1 and Chelsee was dating other guys at this time – mistake #2. Regardless of their history, this duo can sing. And when I say sing, they complement each other like cookies and milk or peanut butter and honey (who’s with me?). Most awkward moment of the night (and this was tough to name) was Ryan making Chelsee’s new boy toy shake Rob’s hand to congratulate him. Why so mean Seacrest? Oh and award to better solo siner? Rob.

In comes Stormi Henley. I was really expecting Steven Tyler to comment on how her name sounds like a stripper. I mean was that not going through anyone else’s mind? The previous Miss Teen USA who is BFFs with Donald Trump has a real small voice, according to JLo. Well, Randy and Steven didn’t have a problem with that, as she made it through to the next round. The short stint of good auditions continued with Adrienne Beasley. Singing a country favorite, “American Honey” by Lady A, this farmer’s daughter (shoutout to Crystal Bowersox) was arguably the best audition of the night, although the candidates were pretty slim and I’m not talking size wise Vernika from Milwaukee. Bringing in her adoption to her backstory, Idol may or may not have done her a favor here. I’m pretty sure America will back her up with her voice than the fact that she’s a black girl living in a white house.

I thought about breaking here to take a look at some of the bad auditions that flooded my TV, but I really don’t want to support this notion that Mr. Lythgoe and the producers tried to throw at us. Instead, and yes this is short-sighting my adoring fans out there (I do have some, right?), we’re gonna take a look at the rest of the auditions in the original language we owe to our friends at AmericaOnLine and AIM – everyone’s favorite internet shorthand. I have to make this interesting somehow if Fox wasn’t gonna do that for us.

Jackie Wilson – Jdge’s wnt OMFG over her, setting the bar 4 the rst of the nght. Rly, Randy? Rly?

LaToya Moore – OMFG in a totally diff way. She has an album? I’m willing 2 bet tht studio no longer produces music. 4 the rec, at least she didn’t get a golden tix

Paul McDonald, Jimmie Allen, Danny Pate – wndring who these guys r 2? Ya, same here. thnx Idol for zipping thru potential gold mines

Matt Dillard – the cowboy n overalls, bridging the gap b/w Josh Groban n the deep south

Lauren Alaina – the 15 year old bieber-ite Uncle Lythgoe has been hyping b4 she got her 2 min of airtime. “Talent rivaling Kelly Clarkson,” he says. Again, I say really, Nigel? Oops, back to AIM shorthand. Rly? Don’t get me wrong, her voice is SOLID, there’s no denying tht. Plus, singing w/ Steven Tyler was priceless but there’s gotta be sumthing more, right?

Ok Idolites, am I right in feeling that the Nashville auditions were a bit lackluster or should I run over to the local GNC and grab a happy pill and chill out? What’d you think of the show? Anyone stick out and how come we didn’t get a Steve-ism? Sound off below and in our FORUMS. Also, I’m looking at YOU … yes YOU … why are you not having fun with us in our live blog during each episode. Next week, when we tackle Austin, TX, I expect you there. No excuses!