American Idol Recap: Whose Box Office Debut Bombed?

Happy Friday, my fellow Idol Worshippers. First off, I have to thank my partner in crime for covering for me last night with Idol’s Night at the Movies. I know you all secretly appreciated the trip through J.Lo’s movie career ALMOST as much Steven Tyler appreciated Haley’s stained glass dress on performance night. Before we get to tonight’s filler episode (some appreciated, some not so much), I would like to make a quick comment about Wednesday night. Dear Idol Judges and Producers, not everyone on this show is worthy of praise. Not everyone on this show can headline a concert. Not everyone on this show is flawless with mad talent. In fact, no one is. Each and everyone of the now 7 remaining contestants require some sort of advice. Each require some sort of critical input thrown their way much like the way Haley insists on flailing her arms when she sings or much like the way Randy Jackson name drops his musician friends. Please stop being all friendly and peachy with our finalists and start judging the competition. It’s not a 5 month long family concert. We want a winner, preferably a talented, gutsy one. So get criticizing. Thank you. Sincerely, your loyal Idol followers.

Ok, now that I have that off my chest, let’s move on to tonight. First of all, Mr. Seacrest, the results shows are not “short,” as you might imply. In fact, they are too long, especially after we were promised half hour results shows in the off season by Papa Nigel. You might have actually had more time to talk to the original Idol queen had you not subjected us to a) “Behind the Scenes” of the new The Walking Dead spoof ad, b) the actual The Walking Dead spoof ad, and c) a pointless interaction with Mr. Fat Jewish Guy himself (his words, not mine). So don’t act like the show is suffering because of time constraints. Alright, before I turn into the very machine I’m fighting, let’s get right to it … Dim the lights and let’s take a look at tonight’s performances.

Scotty McCreery & Lauren Alaina, Lady Antebellum’s “American Honey” | I can’t pinpoint what it was about Scotty’s voice that just didn’t fit. It can’t be the country twang, right? Lady A is country music (albeit not Josh Turner-esque). Maybe it was the monotone, one note trick that Scotty insisted on maintaining throughout the performance. Yup, I think that’s it. His one note did not compliment what could possibly be Lauren Alaina’s strongest performance to date. Needless to say, I think Lauren climbed up the stage stairs more tonight than she did singing Miley on Wednesday, but that’s neither here nor there. I’ll try and leave a recap with more Lauren compliments than not. Now, if we could just get past the “Chosen One” status and we’ll be good.

Casey Abrams & Haley Reinhart (aka The Lovebirds) Charles Mingus’ “Moanin’” | Where do I begin? I will give Idol producers (and the duo) props on one thing … great song choice. And by great song choice, I mean no better way to describe the performance and performers than with a song by the name of “Moanin’.” While the two lovebirds brought out the jazzy feel of the song, they also brought along their own moans, groans, grunts, arm flails and creepy camera expressions in the process. If I didn’t know any better, Casey Abrams might be heading back to the hospital tonight after singing like he might be passing a kidney stone. Get well soon (especially those of us subjected to this performance tonight). Not long after the groaning, Ryan informed Haley that she’d be in the night’s bottom 3, to which I’m sure she grunted under her breath in disgust.

Quick question: Does Rob Reiner really watch Idol? Ya, I think not. I wonder how much he got paid to refer to our season’s finalists as the best talent ever. Not sure where we’ve heard that before. Oh, right. Every night.

Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson, “Don’t You Wanna Stay” | I’m sorry, but how did this performance by the original Idol queen and her country superstar not garner a standing O but the grunting lovetwins received one? This song was made for Kelly Clarkson and she knocked it out of the park, just as she has in any other live performance she’s managed with Mr. Aldean. It was refreshing to see fine Idol talent hit the stage again after the mess this season has become. Next week, can we get Carrie Underwood or David Cook please? THEN we might be even, Nigel. Maybe.

Jacob Lusk, James Durbin, Paul McDonald, & Stefano Langone, Simon & Garfunkel’s “Sound of Silence” and “Mrs. Robinson” | This little foursome was put together to let Paul and Stefano shine. It’s a shame those two were sent to the Bottom 3 after that performance. It’s also a shame James and Jacob were stuck as duet partners at the start of the performance. The rock/gospel infusion wasn’t welcomed much by my television. That said, this performance was probably the best of the Idol finalists tonight, considering a clear melody was sung and there was no grunting involved. Zero.

Rihanna, “California King Bed” | Well, there was no Jennifer Nettles this time a la the ACM Awards. But, we did get dancing with bed sheets! Really though, I don’t think I remember the Idol stage being that decorated in a long time. I almost thought the cameraman (or woman) couldn’t find Rihanna at the beginning of the performance. Thanks for the slight dizzy spell, buddy. While Rihanna’s vocals weren’t up to par on a show dedicated to live singing, it was a cut above the rest, considering we were subjected to TWO will.i.am “pitchy” performances on that very stage this season. Rihanna’s fresh song was welcomed and much appreciated. And just before you thought she was there just for fun … think again! Tour promoting time. Like you didn’t see that coming.

And, my fellow readers, after all was said and done, the Idol Nation lost it’s first XY contestant tonight. After Haley was thrown back to the couches (likely in sympathy by America), the fate of Paul and Stefano’s movie night performances came down to the little pre-teen female fingers texting away past their Wednesday night bedtime … sending Paul McDonald home and giving Stefano that “one more” chance. What’d you think of tonight’s results? How about the performances that graced the stage? Is your favorite still in it to win it? Let us know and join our forum discussion each and every week as we live blog during the show!