DWTS – 115 Mins Fluff, 5 Mins Results

Welcome to the first results show of Dancing With The Stars!!! Or, as I like to call it, one hundred and fifteen minutes of fluff and five minutes of actual results. Really, what are results shows anyway? Take any competition show with results aired live; American Idol as an example…..you sit there in front of your television and watch performances, watch some commentary, watch them recap what you already watched the night before. You watch countless shameless advertising plugs and obligatory audience shots of famous/semi-famous/”I have to be there to promote my latest gig” celebrities. Last night though, DWTS became unique in it’s promotion of a man who happens to be talented, yet loves to dabble in physical abuse and anger management issues. Heck, they even had a kid rush out and say the performer’s name. Now, I prefer the term that “rhymes with bass and also rhymes with funky”, but his formal name is Chris Brown.

He performed, twice. Good dancing, fun light display, Tom Bergeron looked like he’d been forced to announce and clap with the threat of his job. Either that or someone slipped him a major upper. Brooke Burke wore another interesting dress, this one I call Doily In Bondage.

Another performance? Yup, the DWTS Troupe. During the last two performance shows I’d seen several shots in the audience of three women who looked like they were either at that time of the you know what, or otherwise didn’t want to be there. Wasn’t sure who they were until this night. They were the three chickies in the DWTS Troupe, or as I like to call them, “I want to take out three of the women pros so I can do the Cha Cha with Luke Duke”. They danced, quite well in fact, but when you’ve seen them look and act like a hypochondriac having a colonoscopy already it’s hard to appreciate their talent.

Oh, we had results! Sugar Ray, Hines and Chris were brought out first with their partners; Hines and Chris were safe, Sugar Ray was still in danger. Cue “Awwwwwwwwww” from the audience……cue me imagining a producer dangling money over their heads out of our view to entice the best “awww” from the audience when someone’s announced in jeopardy. After that, more people were safe, this time is was Chelsea Kane, Karate Kid and Kirstie Alley were brought out…..no surprise, all were safe.

My favorite part of the results was when they showed Kendra Wilkinson talking backstage wistfully about how she tried oh so hard to be taken seriously as a lady, yet she wasn’t sure if anyone could with her “pits stinking”. Later, when she was told she was safe, she raised her arm and sniffed underneath it. If that isn’t the image of class and grace then I don’t know what is! Petra was safe, so was Romeo. Mike Catherwood was in jeopardy, so was Wendy Williams….btw, she thought she should’ve gotten 10′s for her most recent dance. She REALLY wants to win ya know? So she DESERVES those ten’s dammit! She’s the ONLY person in the HISTORY of Dancing With The Stars to want to win THIS BAD, you just don’t know so why not skip the formalities and give her the trophy?!? In case you missed it, she bugs the hell out of me and I hate that attitude in any reality competitor. Obviously everyone there wants to win you dork, they didn’t show up to play checkers and watch HBO in the hotel room. Back to the results; Wendy/Tony, Sugar Ray/Anna and Mike/Lacey were in jeopardy. Just to shut her up I suspect, Wendy and Tony were deemed safe first, leaving Sugar Ray/Anna and Mike/Lacey in danger. Cue the red light beams of death and heartstopping music……no surprise, Mike and Lacey were cut. Cue more awwww’s from the audience, cue many people shopping today with their hard earned cash from those awwwww’s. Bye bye Mike, you were fun, but a week ago I told you, my dead grandmother dances better than you.

See you all next performance night!