Let’s Yakkity Yak! April 30th, 2010

Welcome back ladies and germs, to another edition of Let’s Yakkity Yak! And let’s do just that, get down to it.

Alright so everyone knows about Time magazine’s Most Influential People articles and the prestige being put on that list will give you. But what about being called Least Influential? Well well well, remember my good buddies, the Pratts?

Otherwise known as Albino Eyebrow Dipwad and his Frankensteinian bride? Or if you really need help, Speidi. Spencer and Heidi for god’s sake! Anyways, according to an article I found on Wonderwall, courtesy of MSN, they get the distinct honor of being named the Least Influential People. And I officially am in love with Time magazine. Even moreso that Time put them in the “moron” category. Here’s what they said about Franken…..sorry, Heidi. “You used to be famous for being famous. Then you were famous for getting lots of plastic surgery and selling only 658 copies of your album in its first week. Now you’re not famous. That was fast.” And her albino hubby? Well this is what they had to say about Spencer. “Montag fired him as her manager. It’s like we need a whole other list of the uninfluential to the uninfluential.” Beyond that, Us Magazine says they’re panicked about being out of the limelight after The Hills ends this season. And this terrifies me because the next thing you know, there will be a baby Speidi. God help that kid. Other luckies to make Time’s list are Joaquin Phoenix, Octomom, Paula Abdul and Brian Dunkleman (remember the guy that co-hosted the first season of American Idol with Seacrest?). While I agree with most, I take exception to Abdul. Take her out, put Kara “I like to wear earrings that look like bedazzled alien snot” Dioguardi on the list. Sure, she’s a songwriter and sure, she’s on Idol right now, but if anyone is influenced by her I have to question their judgement.

Well this is nice. In New York, police told a family that their youngest son had been killed in a car crash. Yet 90 minutes later they realized he was at home, asleep. Why did the cops think it was their kid? One of the dead men had his license clutched in his hand. Relatives were told he was gone, someone was sent to tell grandma too. But then his brother rushed to the house he shared with the not-dead man and found him there. The man that died with the license in his hand turned out to be a one-time frat brother of the not-dead man. Alright, two questions. Why would a guy be in a car crash actually hanging onto his own license? And how would someone not actually go to their son’s house to check and see if maybe, just maybe this was a mistake? Or ask to see the body? Weirdness abound.

Hey hey hey! Thursday sparked a new era in airline tarmac rules.  Remember all those lovely stories of people stranded for hours on the tarmac with no food or water, bad bathroom conditions, etc? Well apparently Big Brother has stepped in, aka the government. Starting on Thursday airlines have to let passengers off a plane after three hours or face what could be ginormous fines. However, as with everything, depending on the airline you could experience different things with this. The decision of three hours was made based on current legislation under consideration by Congress. Passenger advocates had pushed for two though, but it as settled on three. The clock starts ticking as soon as the cabin doors close. If the doors are open it doesn’t count, no matter how long that is which makes me think that some asshat airline employee will purposely leave a door open so the timer doesn’t start. And in that case, should I be on that plane, you might as well get the cuffs on me because otherwise I’m vaulting my ass through that door. If the 3 hour mark approaches the captain can turn the plane around, but once it hits the 3 hour mark passengers are free to leave, either at the gate or via a staircase on the tarmac. Again, I’m on that plane and we’re on the tarmac at 3 hours, get the stairs out hon. And the fine? It could be up to $27,500 per passenger. But again, if the pilot thinks it’s not safe to move then sitting beyond three hours is allowed, however he has to have the help of air traffic control to decide if it’s safe or not. Airlines have to give you enough food and water, but to them of course that’s going to be a bag of chips and a bottle of water. The toilet has to work though, that’s good! Keep in mind, if that flight is international, the three hour rule does not apply. You be screwed.

Oh good, another one of my good buddies has tanked out on something! Recent DWTS expellee Kate “I can’t dance to save my life” Gosselin has a new book out. Anyone care? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Apparently not. Since the release of her book on April 13^th, her book has sold 10, 084 copies. It debuted at #11 on the NY Time’s Nonfiction Bestseller list and #103 on USA Today’s bestseller’s chart. It’s Amazon rank by Thursday afternoon was #862. Excuse me, I must drop to the floor and laugh my ass off. Wait, I already did then when I heard the title, “I Just Want You To Know: Letters To My Kids On Life, Love and Family.” Sure, you do probably love your kids, albeit in a weird “I want to exploit you at every turn for money” way. But what credibility do you truly have on romantic love or family? And TLC, fire the person who thought it was a good idea to let Kate roam the country giving families advice on life. Biznatch shows up on my doorstep and I’m letting my fat Shih Tzu pee on her expensive but surely fugly shoes. Here’s what’s truly bizarre though, her first two books did much better, selling around half a million copies! And I bet you now about 450, 000 of them can be found in the bargain bin at Goodwill. Kate, seriously, I had something profoundly biting to say here but forget it…..blech.

Poor, poor Lilo. She just got fired from her latest movie. She has new pictures out that are absolutely frightening.

 Guess what? She got drunk recently, and in all likelihood a wee bit drugged up too. Anyone shocked? Well sit back because here’s another one. She feels targeted. Poor, poor Lilo. You had a gazillion dollars and a potentially great career at your fingertips and to be blunt, since I’m normally so reserved, YOU BLEW IT AWAY WORSE THAN HAMMER. Wednesday night she called into JoJo Wright’s 102.7 KIIS FM radio show to say she just doesn’t know why she’s a target for so much negative publicity. Wow Lindsay, let me think, this is a tough one, you’re such a paradigm for virtue and goodness. Could it be scrawling “Scarlett is a bloody cunt” on a bathroom wall awhile back? Could it be the endless partying and boozing and drugging? Could it be your diva behavior on every set you step foot on? Could it be that YOU CAN’T ACT FOR SHIT ANYMORE? You need to go somewhere far, far away………get your poo together, and then come back because I will say this. You had talent. HAD. Not so much anymore, it’s buried underneath five miles of sludge. But I bet if you take a step back and dig a bit you can find it again. Maybe. Here’s some tips: eat something. Stop drinking alcohol. No more drugs. No more movies with animated vehicles. Talk to Robert Downey Jr. he’s basically done what you should do.

And with that, I’m off to spray Bitter Apple on my fat Shih Tzu’s feet whilst I watch Roseanne reruns on TVLand. So keep your eyes open, your ears too, come back tomorrow as this is Ahrean…..OUT.

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