Greetings once again my loyal congregation, it’s time once again for a sermon that will have a major impact on your humble lives. One of the oldest sins there’s been is greed and where Gordon Gecko thought “greed is good” sometimes this is not the case. Sometimes the efforts of trying to part another person of their hard earned money can be downright lame and today I shall show you examples of such lameness. I will use the lady of lame, Ashley of Rock of Bus and Charm School fame as my grading system with the more Ashleys meaning the more lame. Let’s broaden our minds….Lawrence!!! (click pics to make larger)
Jon & Kate Plus 8 Know Your Gosselins T-Shirt
This shirt asks the simple question “Do You Know Your Gosselins?” and I can answer back “No, but a divorce court judge will soon”. Seriously the thought of someone walking around with a shirt that has pictures of children they don’t personally is beyond creepy so I’ll leave this one to the pedophiles. On the plus side, I heard that’s it’s going to be the height of fashion on To Catch A Predator.
Project Runway “Make It Work” Necklace
Yes you too can mix urban fashion with the catchphrase of Project Runway with this necklace. This necklace should come with a warning that says “Not to be worn to any frat party or first online date. If a guy fixes you a drink and you hear Dave Matthews while wearing run while you still have a chance” Oh the terror isn’t for the ladies either because I’m sure some guy has see some drunk, fat frau thinking she’s Lady Marmalade shaking it between her “moneymakers” just like her Darrin’s Dance Grove DVD taught her. Clear the floor indeed!!!
Survivor USB Drive
There was a television commercial script that was scrapped for this piece of fan fare that one of my congregation sent to me which I will share with you now.
:fade in college dorm:
Johnnie: Hey Terry, Rob left his amazing Survivor USB drive here when he was here studying.
Terry: That drive is super awesome. I wonder what he keeps on there?
Johnnie: His secret alliances?
Terry: The map to all water sources?
Johnnie: Plans on how to win all the immunity challenges?
Terry: Let’s hook it into your laptop and find out!
:Johnnie puts drive in laptop and sits for seconds in shocked silence:
Terry: Well whats on it?
Johnnie: It’s his collection of lucha libre midget porn. :throws laptop down:
The Apprentice Slot Machine
If you’re ever unfortunate enough to find yourselves at a Trump casino then a real treat awaits you in the form of The Apprentice slot machine. For those of you that know a thing or two about a slot machine, it’s a blatant rip off of the Wheel of Fortune slots but I’m sure in the wigged wonder’s mind it was all his idea. He also thought there was nothing more classy or luxurious than having some nickel slinging granny hear him proclaim “You’re fired” while raking in the big $2 jackpot.
A Shot At Love Wifebeater
Some people called the show groundbreaking for being a bisexual dating show but for teen boys it was high grade porn. How does MTV thank those women who could appreciate the unique nature of the show? They offer the ultimate lesbian stereotype. a wifebeater with the show’s logo on it. I guess Birkenstock and Indigo Girls turned them down for additional tie ins but MTV should’ve just went with a Lord of The Rings tie in considering homegirl looks like Gollum.
America’s Next Top Model Doll
Do you want your daughter to be one judgmental bitch? Do you want your child to shatter self esteems and dreams at the same time while not having the hassle of being famous? Would you like your child to be the next Ms J or Janice Dickinson then this is the perfect toy for them. This is as authentic as gets from the bones sticking out, included Polaroid before picture right down to the smell of bulemia and self esteem. I can’t give this a high lame rating because if a certain mother had this doll when she was a child, the American viewing public wouldn’t have been subjected to this….
American Idol Ice Cream
For those who can’t get enough of the American Idol marketing machine there’s AI ice cream. They give you the full AI experience by letting you vote on the flavor they should make a permanent selection and when the others lose they become sour grape flavor. Here’s the secret they don’t want you to know… ever wonder what happened to Brian Dunkleman and all of the unsold copies of From Justin to Kelly? That’s right American Idol ice cream is made of Dunkleman and shite movies. Next year they’re going to try and have a new flavor Tatiana Toffee so Tatiana if you’re reading this…….RUN GIRL RUN!!!!
Lesson to Be Learned
You work hard for your money so don’t fall for foolish attempts to get it by catering to your fan boy/girl side. Always ask yourself this one question “If this product didn’t have my favorite show on it would I pay the inflated price for it? ”
The lesson has been taught now go forth and spread your new found knowledge to the world safely knowing that Saint Dagame loves each and every one of you.