Greetings one and all please allow me to introduce myself. I am Saint Dagame, patron saint of reality shows as well as high priest of the Church of Gina Gershon and today starts a new era for the Yak. This is the first of many sermons that I will be giving to you, my adoring congregation, so remember this day because it will be one you will rejoice for decades to come.
I have decided to make this first sermon about tainting victories. Did Apollo Creed ruin Rcoky’s title win? Did the Patriots come up with conspiracy theories when they lost the Superbowl to the Giants? Did Arnold Jackson make up excuses why he lost his fight with The Gooch? The answer to all of the above is a resounding no, yet so many of you out there want to taint Kris Allen’s victory over Adam Lambert on American Idol by coming up with crazy conspiracy theories and downright nonsense so I’m here to set you straight.
Conspiracy Theory 1: People Voted Against Adam Because of His Ambiguous Nature
I personally despise this one the most because that’s a dangerous card to play because it discredits real discrimination. Did Clay Aiken’s people throw this one out there even though there were the same rumors swirling around him? No they didn’t. Let’s face it your final three were all white males so where was the outrage then? Why didn’t Jesse Jackson, Edward James Olmos, Gloria Allred or the people making this claim take to the streets in protest because of this injustice? It was either because they were blinded by their manscara or they thought it was fair then so in theory it must be fair now. N’est pas?
Conspiracy Theory 2: Kris Got 20 Gajillionbillion Votes From Arkansas
Here’s a fun Census fact for you; Arkansas has a population 2.8 million where as California has a population 36.75 million so if anything young master Kris should’ve been at a major disadvantage. There was nothing wrong with the phone lines or cell phones in California Tuesday night so it leaves us with one cold hard fact; that people in California just didn’t like Adam enough to vote for him. Period. End of story.
Conspiracy Theory 3: The Backlash Vote
Yes I’ll admit the judges, Entertainment Weekly and even Katy Perry pimped Adam out like Patty the daytime hooker but there’s two holes in this theory. The first one being that those people who actually voted Tuesday night know how hard it was to get a vote in to count. I don’t know of many people who will sit and hit redial for hours to get such limited anti votes, but those who really like somebody will do, through all of that, to get their positive votes in with a smile on their face. The second hole is that there are certain websites out there dedicated to get the lesser talented ones through and guess what, they usually fail miserably. There’s one out there that had to change the one they deemed the worst more times than Kristie Alley visits Chinese buffets in a day.
The Big Lie: I’m Glad Adam Didn’t Win/The Title Means Nothing
I’m allowed one curse word per sermon and I’m gonna use it here; Bullshit! Most people that are familiar with how the show works know that the final two are indentured servants with varying lengths of service where as everybody eliminated before are free after the tour ends. If you really feel this way why did people even vote Adam in the final two instead of freeing him from those oppressive constraints and allow him to be the free Kunta Kinte of music? The answer is simple, they thought the title meant something along with the gilded cage that comes with it
What Is The Lesson Learned?
In life the one who you want to win won’t always do so but that doesn’t mean you have to taint the winner. Now take your newfound knowledge into the world so you can be a better person and remember Saint Dagame and Gina Gershon loves each and every one of you.