I write this blog post, full knowing that I’m listening to Taylor Swift’s “Red”. As my best friend and I joke, “I am a mess.” The guys I talk to are ridiculous, but I have slowed my roll. Go to a Naval base and wake up in bed with an army man – I still can’t explain that one.
Truth be told, it’s fun to be a mess. I say this tongue in cheek, with a shadow of truth behind those words. As the holiday season has officially passed, that little Cherub has got his arrows pointing freely. So, am I just Neo from the Matrix avoiding his arrows or what? It’s officially Valentine’s Day season, folks, and as another year of having my Single Swag going strong – it’s time to come up with the rules to survive this Hallmark Hell:
1.) Do not Drink and Sext your Ex. Ever woken up and gone, WTF? I have. I gave up on damage control that morning and simply deleted the phone number.
2.) Vino, Vino, VINO! I’m sorry, but if you haven’t developed a taste for cheap boxed wine, then I don’t know you. I once lit candles and got McDonald’s on Valentine’s Day. Oh and poured a HUGE glass of Franzia. Who needs a partner when you’ve got Vino?
3.) Do not go out on V-Day. I had a friend that went out on V-Day, she wound up in some guys bed sobbing over her ex. I got threatened with assault charges for throwing snowballs at happy couples outside a restaurant. This holiday is like liquid cocaine for the single’s.
4.) Don’t be bitter. So you’re single. So am I. So is a lot of other people. Don’t be bitter, throw yourself a celebratory party! You’re not trapped in some relationship that probably won’t work and you get to lay around in your sweats, eat Ben and Jerry’s, and drink a ton of wine by yourself. Please tell me how you can be bitter about that? To answer the unasked question: Pocket Rocket. Enough said.
5.) NO LOVE MOVIES. I’m sorry, but unless you want a pity party for yourself and ultimately break EVERY single rule I mentioned? Watch a love movie. Start off with Valentine’s Day, move onto some romantic comedy, and then by about your fifth glass of wine you’ll be watching Schindler’s List just sobbing uncontrollably. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Those are the rules for now. Go forth and be single, my friends.