Reflecting on 2012 has been more difficult for me than it’s ever been. I had high hopes… My motto coming into 2012 was for no expectations, and without even realizing it, I entered the New Year with a ton of them, setting myself up for failure from day 1… Or so it felt like failure as I started to reflect.
I find myself in a place in life were I almost feel stuck… Stuck between my own reality and my dream of a stable rewarding life, trying to find that balance in the middle that completes me. Stuck…
What has 2012 done for me?? The more I think of that question, the more positive my outlook on 2013 becomes, but I’ll explain more on that later. In this past year I started school… A blessing and a burden at the same time. The blessing… I’m following my heart to begin a career and the life I set aside when I became a mom 20 years ago. The burden… Time and stress. Managing school and life is much harder than it appears from the outside… And sometimes I feel unsure if I can take anymore, but I always manage to figure it out. Even when I was working full time, I feel like I had more time than I do now.
Also, in this past year I’ve started to rebuild my relationship with my son… And this alone is huge for me. Although it’s been 3 birthdays and Christmas’s that I haven’t been able to spend with him, I at least got a text from him on Christmas this year and I get periodic phone calls and texts that keep my head from running away from me. Just in this year alone, I felt the ultimate rejection from him (not intentional), but all was forgotten in a long awaited and unexpected hug in the middle of a gas station parking lot… And I got to tell him I love him unconditionally, face to face… And for once, I believe he heard me and more importantly… He believed me.
Going into 2013 comes with a ton of uncertainty? I know that I must find a job within the next 5 months, and a new place to live in the next 10 days. Both to me are scary, especially in this economy that’s supposedly on its way out of a recession, although most people I know don’t see it, including me. But what scares me most is where I fit in anymore? I’m 38… And sometimes just as confused about life as if I were 8? Wait, not 8… Even though at that age I was bullied everyday and didn’t know why… I was a kid and it was so much easier to bounce back… No responsibilities. More like confused about life like if were 18… but looking back, I had more direction then than I do now… and as I said already, I find myself in a place in life where I almost feel stuck… Stuck between my own reality and my dream of a stable rewarding life, trying to find that balance in the middle that completes me. Stuck…
This is what thinking about what 2012 has done for me, makes me more positive for 2013. I wanted to go into 2012 with no expeditions, but it’s apparent I had many expectations judging by how disappointed I was when I 1st started reflecting on the year… But I’ve quickly realized it’s the little things that matter most!
Completing a full year of school with a 3.96 GPA, reconnecting with Levi, making new friends (ahem, mostly the virtual variety… But to me a friend is friend!), new babies on the way (not mine! But my son and his girlfriend, my son’s 1st baby mama and her boyfriend, and my neice and her boyfriend are all expecting babies in 2013), reconnecting with old friends and building stronger friendships with current friends, discovering myself and learning to love who I am.
There is more, but the most important is knowing that I made it through another year… Alive… laughing, loving, crying, caring, dancing, discovering, managing…. And for that I am thankful!
I’m thankful that my mom and dad (stepdad, but dad just-the-same) accept me for me, when I know other parents don’t because they aren’t perfect in their eyes, whether they are gay, finding a different religion or philosophy in life, too short, or too fat… I am blessed my they love me for me, period… As all children should be, young or old.
I’m thankful for my sister… For this year I’ve truly experienced her unconditional love… It’s always been there, but I finally accepted it without question. I just can’t imagine my life without her, and often feel guilty that I don’t have to share her… Everyone in this world should have a sister like her, this world would truly be a better place. She single-handily provides me with happiness everyday, who else can say that.
I’m thankful for my husband… Because he is my only hug most days, and I need them! We’ve been married almost 20 years, and times aren’t always easy… and in days when I feel we have grown too far apart, he finds a way to bring us close again.
And I’m thankful for my friends… Every single one of them! Those from grade school, to past jobs and everyone in between. And I must give a special shout-out to those I only know in the virtual world, some of you know me better than friends I might see every day. I don’t get to spend much time with friends like I once used to? I don’t go hang out with anyone, go out on the town, scrapbook or Bunko anymore… Partly because of time, but I guess partly I’m out-of-sight, out-of-mind to most. Which is fine mostly, because with school I don’t have as much time anyway.
So, as for 2013… I offer no promises… Just to be me, try to stay positive, never give up and take some chances. Don’t have resolutions, but maybe some goals without a time limit? I want to live healthier… Meaning, I don’t want to profess to be skinny by year end, I just want to be healthy, wherever that takes me is fine. I want to live happier, and not sweat the small stuff anymore and commit to smiling everyday, whether I mean it or not… It can change my day or even some one else’s day if I share my smile with them. I want to live more honestly, within myself… And learn each day to love the flaws that make me me, and be ok with them. And use my sister’s advice, to drink lots of water and remember when life gets hard, take time to breathe.